Moment of Panic...

  It was a very quick moment of panic but none-the-less, here it is. It all starts with my adorable, snot pouring from the nose, 11 1/2 month old. He's super snuggly because he doesn't feel well and i'm sure his little body is sore, so I want to give him a bath to soothe his achey bones before bed. Plus he LOVES baths, so I figure I'll lift his spirits before bed, since we've been tormenting him all day by using the dreaded nasal aspirator and tissues on his poor little nose.
    So everything starts well. He drinks his bottle and we start running the water to fill the tub. I gather all the needed items to wash and for after the bath. Keane follows me around, because he knows "I can't get in the water unless my clothes are off..and I want to get in the water" So he's making his noises letting me know he's ready.
   I get him undressed and plop him in the tub. He loves when the water is running so he holds his little ducky under the running water. (Today was extra cute because he even stood *naked bottom and all* in the tub at the faucet trying to 'grasp' the water.)
    Now the water is at the appropriate level for my little man so I turn off the water. But the cold water won't turn off. I turn it on more, thinking that will 'unstick' whatever the problem is, but it still won't stop running! *what do i do now?* I pull out the pliers. Of course I'm trying to turn it off with those and part of the knob bends. Poor Keane, unaware of this mishap, is trying to crawl around in water that is now too high.
    He's gets his first mouthful. That's ok. That has happened before. But of course, he's tired and not feeling good so he panics and tries to get to safety by crawling and dipping his face in the water again. I realize I'm not fully paying attention to him because I'm more worried about the freezing cold water pouring into the bath tub..
    Poor thing. :( So there he is sputtering and coughing and trying to stand up. So i just hold him upright and wait. It's always sad for me to see him 'struggling' in anyway, especially if it's my fault. But of course I have to just wait it out to see how he does. (plus since i'm at home i don't have suction to clean out his little lungs if need be)
   This is when the crazy thoughts begin to fly through my head to prepare myself for what to do next. "Ok, where's my phone if i need to call 911? How do I give a child CPR? Breaths? OK, calm down, you know what to do. Could I do it on my own little boy if i needed to? How am I going to shut off the water? Why now? I don't want to go to the ER right now. Ok, he's still moving air, that's good.. His face is red...and now back to normal.." Whew...

So much for a nice relaxing bath. At least he got wet. And he cleaned out his own nose by dipping it in the water...so I wrap him up and snuggle him real close.

Of course it was probably less than 5 seconds that he was coughing but it seemed like forever. I always think worst case scenario. Maybe because I work in healthcare where you see the 1-2% of crazy freak things, so i know weird things happen, or it could be because I have this 'bad' theology of life, that nothing too bad has really happened to me, so I'm due for something. Instead of just 'counting my blessings' I sometimes fear what the future holds, because i'm sure something bad is bound to occur. 

   Things Keane may never remember, may just scar me for life. Not sure how I will handle the 'bigger' things in life, especially when I am the one to cause pain and suffering in my own child's life. I know it will happen. I'm a sinner just like everyone else. I just pray that the Lord guides him as he does me and picks up the pieces to construct the masterpiece of Keane's story.

9 months and lovin' it!

  Today I am enjoying being a mother of a 9 month old. Not just any 9 month old, but a 27 inch, 16lb 9oz walking machine.. I LOVE that he is mobile. I know A LOT of mothers who have said, "Yea you get excited when they start walking but then you can't stop them. Plus they get into everything." So I might regret that he is walking so early but at this point I am SOO excited!  The main reason for this excitement is because HE is loving it as well.
    Let me explain. Ever since he was born, ok maybe about 2-3 months old, he has been frustrated with not being able to do what he wants. I mean he was really frustrated with not being able to move (well roll over), then crawl and then get where he wanted. I feel like most kids get frustrated when they are so close to a new stage but he was annoyed before he got close. He always seem like he wanted to be able to do what he wanted. Hence why, at around 3 months, he could roll over from front to back. Then a few weeks later he mastered the back to front flip. At 4-1/2 months he started lurching forward by sticking his butt up in the air and pushing himself.
   All of this was exciting for him, but still never fully satisfied. Thus commenced the 'walking' around holding on to our hands at about 5 months. *He knew he couldn't do it himself, so he was resourceful and got us help.* Until this past week, when he decided to try it out for himself. He didn't waste any time, in less than 4 full days, he is walking up to 10-15 feet unassisted.

Running at me today.

   I have thoroughly enjoyed him being able to sit up to play by himself and crawl around, but it was all a whirlwind and now he's walking. The best part is that I've never seen him so smiley and happy. He's so proud of himself. Why shouldn't he be? 9 months ago he couldn't even hold up his head and his eyes rolled up in his head. Crazy how fast it all happens.
    So as I am thinking through all of this I just wanted to recap with a couple of pictures from Keane's first week and today. I love my little boy. Still can't believe I was even pregnant. Time just flew by!

1st week!

9 months and 2 weeks!

 

Transition

Birth. Careers. Relocating. Death. Those are some of life's biggest changes. With all change comes very mixed emotions and stress.
  They are many seasons of change in ones life that it is sometimes impossible to predict them all and how you will feel or react. Some are chosen changes though. That is what I am about to embark on. A new journey of saying goodbye to fellow co-workers (and comfort) and heading off to meet new faces (and enter an area of unease).
   While I am very excited to start in Abington's ER where anything can (and probably will) happen, I am sad to leave the med/surg specialty that I have worked for more than 6 years. I am very comfortable with caring for the same patients for 12 hours a day, not the fast paced "Hi" and "Bye" in 90 minutes. I am used to say, "Sorry that bed isn't ready." How do you say that to an ambulance? (you don't)
   Although I'm interested to see the other side of the coin, meaning that with working on a floor for 6 years you don't always understand what is going on in the ER, I'm scared that it may be overwhelming. At least the people during my interview told me what to expect when they said, "It's ok if you feel overwhelmed and cry or feel like you can't do this. We worry about those who don't do that." (reassuring, right?)
    Anyway I'm not sure how all will go. I'm scared, sad, excited, apprehensive and wondering if i made a mistake. We'll see when November 14 rolls around and I start orientation. As a friend likes to say, "It's either going to be a good time or a good story." Let's hope it's both!

I enjoyed the show, so why not? How different can it really be? Haha.

French Toast Bagels

  As a last minute activity while being home alone with Keane, I decided to try to make french toast bagels from scratch, well using my bread machine.
   First off, it's very hard to find a recipe for french toast bagels from scratch. (Or else I just don't know how to search well.) I had saved a search for bread machine bagels awhile ago on my allrecipes.com iPhone app, so I just decided to improvise with some ingredients to make it french toast style. (This should have been my first indicator to rethink this activity, but I surged ahead)
  While the bean was napping, I hurriedly got out my bread machine and started throwing ingredients into it. Water, vanilla, sugar, salt, nutmeg, cinnamon, flour.....where's the flour? To my shock and dismay I quickly discovered that I have no flour.  (well not enough for 3 cups)
 "WHAT? I ALWAYS have flour..."
   In fact, one time, in the not too distant past, I was making bread and thought I didn't have any flour so I bought some, only to find that I have a extra bag hiding in my cabinet. Since then, I guess I haven't been keeping tabs on my flour usage since I knew thought I had so much.
   In my frantic search, I found whole wheat flour, so I thought, "hey, that's healthier anyway.." So I continued on my endeavor of this french toast bagel making. (Once again I could have counted my losses at this point but no.."i'm going to do this" I thought. Or really I could have waited until Keane woke up again to run to the store, but of course, I wanted to do it NOW!)
    Finally, I add all the ingredients I think will be right, program the machine to the 'dough' setting and start watching it work it's magic. I realize that I may need to add a little more water since I used different flour, so I keep adding until I think it looks right.
At this point I'm feeling excited that I'm finally doing this but still apprehensive of the outcome.
An hour and a half later the dough is done (and Keane is awake). I feed him and try to content him with some nearby toys, so I can go finish this bagel making adventure.  I take out the dough only to notice that my bread machine has an actual 'bagel dough' setting! (This had to be strike 3 or 4) I silently grumbled in my head and continue on kneading the dough a little, split it up into 6 pieces and attempt to make them look like normal bagels.
**Mind you that I am trying to make these specific bagels, because Matthew LOVES the ones from Panera, but he is also the one who as a little boy wouldn't eat a broken cookie, just because it was broken.** So they have to be perfect. (But like i have said before this is already a HUGE mistake because i am guessing at everything by now, but I'm determined) 
Anyway, I think I added too much water (or used the wrong setting) because the bagels weren't keeping their form well. I threw them in the sugary boiling water as I was instructed and fished them out with a holey spatula. Placed them on the baking sheet, which was covered with cinnamon sugar, brushed them with eggs, added more cinnamon sugar on top and popped them in the oven. Waited 20 minutes and this is what I got.

All I can say is that they are NOT perfect, but lets hope they taste good with some butter or cream cheese. I did sample the one in the top right corner (if you're wondering why there is only half there) but the verdict is still out. (i'm not holding my breath) I will keep you posted as to how the actually taste when I try them in the morning, but I'm already figuring most will be thrown out. We'll see if The Love is bold enough to try one before they get tossed. Better luck (and planning) next time.

Simple things that make me smile and feel content

*In no particular order*

Clean dishes (aka an empty sink)

Smell of hay, freshly cut grass, fir trees, lilacs and hyacinths

Orange sky in the evening after snow or while it’s still snowing

A good run

Seeing my little boy talk and grin (actually watching him do anything)

Clean sheets

My husband coming home

A warm fire

Music

Fresh, ripe fruit

Hearing little giggles from another room

Crawling into bed when I’m really tired

The freshness your feet feel after washing them before bed on a summer night (and how the feel under the sheets)

The freshness of clothes dried outside

A late night with good friends

Watching my husband laugh without restraint

Crisp fall mornings

Sunrises and Sunsets (especially in the winter)

Waking up to Keane ‘talking’ in his room

Sleeping next to my love

Cleaning the modern day icebox

  Last night I ventured to do something that I dread. Cleaning the refrigerator!!! I think that is one thing I would actually PAY$$ someone to do. Which is silly, I know. I don't mind dusting, dishes, laundry (though sometimes I wish laundry would put itself away) or scrubbing any part of the bathroom, but I despise the fridge. Not sure why. Although somewhat trivial, my reasons for such disdain are that I don't like being in the cold, everything is always gooey, there are too many awkward spots to scrub, and not to mention unloading all your groceries and then reorganizing them again. Plus I have the type with the 'distressed' design, if you know what I mean. With all those decorative cracks that everything gets stuck in. So who decided on this ingenious design? .."Let's make something white with lots of little cracks so things can get stuck in it..." I know it's just the outside and those little drawer handles, but it still annoys me.
  Additionally, I think that I never really feel like it's organized well enough. It just doesn't look pretty aesthetically pleasing to me when it's all done. It still looks like things were strewn about but just in a nicer manner than before.
  I think the only thing I dread more, is the freezer. Where your hot soapy water's power is instantly quenched by it's icy opponent. In fact my only motivations for cleaning either is usually either shear embarrassment that others will see it or pure disgust. (That excludes moving, when you are forced to clean it)
   As an example, there has been some little area of something that spilled at least 1-2 months ago, that I finally had enough of to motivate me today. Granted I usually clean up any spill right away, so I'm not sure where this one originated, but alas that spot had stared me down long enough. So, when I came home with some groceries I ripped apart everything. (Ok, so it's not like I'm living in filth, I do clean out those lovely storage containers on a weekly basis, but the top to bottom scrub is a despised rarity. Still after my semi-annual scrubbing last night, I feel like I should get some time of prize. Like I just conquered Mt Everest.)
    Actually this cleaning was a combo of my above mentioned reasons, since I know we are having dinner guests tonight. Nonetheless, it is done. Until next time, dear fridge...

*Now if only I could organize the rest of my house with this 'cleaning-surge' energy.*

Veggies are always casualties of my fridge sweeps. I always find some type of surprise in those drawers.

Guilty Mom Lesson #1

Matt deemed this photo, "Breakfast in Bed"

   It's breastfeeding. There can be a huge conflict between breastfeeding mom and ones who use formula. There are many studies to show how breastfeeding makes your kid healthier, smarter and is a perfectly balanced nutrition tailored specifically for your baby. (Did you know that one study shows that even if a baby get sick from daycare and the parent never stepped foot in the daycare, meaning someone else dropped the baby off and picked them up, that the mother still makes antibodies for that baby's illness even though the mother is not sick at all...just amazingly crazy! Got to love God's design!)
   So I read everything and wanted to exclusively breastfeed until Keane was weaned. But i'm a full time working mom and nursing while nursing (can you follow that?) is very hard to do. Not to mention, I definitely made some 'pumping' mistakes that probably decreased my milk supply quicker.  Plus, working 12 hours days I wasn't always around when he hit growth spurts so my body never kept up with how much he needed.
    Nonetheless, my milk supply started dwindling around 5 1/2 months, that I couldn't even nurse Keane anymore and ended up just pumping and feeding him a bottle. (talk about double duty, but I was determined to keep up my milk supply because it was best for him.) Plus I was drinking tea to increase your milk supply, attempting to not throw up a Guiness and add brewers yeast to food and smoothies, but nothing seemed to be working.
  Around 6 1/2 months I realized we would have to start supplementing with formula. The tears rolled down as I started the conversation with Matt that I think we need to mix half/half or alternate feedings with one bottle formula and one breastmilk. All the while, Keane didn't seem to mind formula vs breastmilk.
    So now that Keane is 8 1/2 months my supply (meaning myself and the freezer) have dwindled to almost nothing, so I have cut back to pumping only once a day and supplementing the rest. Yes, some days I feel like I have failed, since I could be trying different ways to increase my milk supply. But I am tired. I never seem to get a break. On my days home I'd be nursing Keane or feeding him a bottle and then pumping while he sleeps. (Which means by the time I eat, pump and clean up, he's awake again) I am tired of working 12+ hours and having to run off to pump, when time allows, only to rush back to take care of my patients and still be behind.
  Maybe i'm just not strong enough, but you know, that's ok. I know my limits and they have been reached. Or so I feel today.
  Today is one of those days where I realize that I did provide a good start. (Plus I will implement some new tactics next time around if I am still working, to keep up my supply.) I also have realized that this won't 'hurt' him in any way. For some reason, I kept thinking that I was almost 'injuring' him by giving him formula. (don't ask where i got that idea?) I also think some of the 'guilt' came because I felt like I couldn't 'provide' for my little baby, who needed me. I have come to realize that I am just providing in other ways than I had anticipated but I am not letting him down or being negligent.
   Though many guilty tears have been shed, I will happily let go of breastfeeding this time around. And I know this is just the beginning of one of the many 'guilty' mom lessons I will learn, where my 'ideals' might not match up with my actions.

He doesn't seem to mind!

20% Extrovert and 80% Introvent..

   The results are in. I'm 20% Extrovert and 80% Introvert (according to this 10 question self quiz online). This is probably no surprise to most people who know me. I took this quiz because Matt and I have been talking about this topic a lot recently. I also recently read an article in Parents magazine about how to tell what type of personality your child is and how to 'parent' them even if they are the opposite of you. Which got me thinking about this whole thing and, while it's too early to really figure out what type Keane is, I've been pondering about myself....

   I feel like this new information has sort of 'freed' me. I know that I have insecurities issues and I tend to not think too highly of myself (which I am slowly changing but "old habits die hard' so it's hard to retrain your thinking). But I feel like it's ok to be me. I always felt like a "Debbie-downer" in large social situations because I can't wait to get home and relax. Even on vacation, it's nice to be away but can't wait to relax in the comfort of my own home. It's replenishes my soul! (No exaggeration there..being home or in nature does that) Not to say I don't have fun being away or interacting with others, but it's more draining then energizing. (which is one of the defining things of introversion) The part that freed me was that IT IS OK. I don't have to try to be the life of the party or even feel energized by large social gatherings, or even plan large events. I've always felt this pressure to plan a BIG party for people because others around me do it (and do it well). But I just don't feel comfortable in those situations and therefore don't want to host them. But i enjoy behind the scenes prep stuff.

   One example of this I use to feel dumb about is music and concerts. I love, Love, LOVE music, well if it's good music, but I'm not typically the type to be dancing and rockin' out at a loud concert, even if it's Muse or U2. I just quietly enjoy it, but I LOVE it and that makes me feel alive. You could never tell from the outside except that I probably have a smile on my face or am consumed by it. (I actually get almost embarassed that I enjoy it that much, but it could just be me and the band and I wouldn't realize anyone else is there.) But that's ok. I enjoy it just the same and those crazy dancers and thrashers (and they don't bother me, I just am glad that they are able to open up and have fun like that- it's just NOT me).

   Matt and I have also discussed how we are both predominately introverts, so that does make it hard to get to know people in a large social setting. Now we are both different type of introverts, where I don't mind chit-chatty conversations with a few people and he hates small talk. He'd rather be with a few close friends talking about meaningful things. I enjoy that as well, but it's doesn't bug me as much to talk to random people I don't know about non-important issues. But that also gets into more of our personalities aside from introversion.

     I just wonder if that is genetic? I mean will Keane (and possibly anymore children that come along) by default be mostly introverted since that it the traits both parents carry? Does that get into the nature vs nurture issue? I hope that if Keane (or others) or extroverted that we are able to let them be themselves and enjoy that time in large social interactions and let them by themselves and realize there is nothing wrong with them. That is how the Lord made them.

    Selfishly, I feel lucky to be married to an introvert because we both enjoy our quiet time, still around each other, but not always interacting. We have our struggles in other ways, but it's sometimes nice to take a long car ride and just listen to music and not talk, just get lost in our thoughts...together but alone. Also it's not like one of us wants to stay at a party really late either. Though the downside is that sometimes it's hard to branch out there and meet new people. Also neither one of us has the high energy about planning parties or big events. We just like low key relaxing dinners with others and small parties with people we know vs new faces. 

   So if it seems hard to get to know us, it may be. But we still need to get out there and meet new people. Especially because most of our friends have moved away to far reaches of the Earth, or so it feels at times. But it's freeing to know, I can just be myself and that is ok.

Sweet moments.

I don't know why but certain moments in life are just sweet. Nothing extraordinary but it just melts my heart. So here was one while Matt was feeding Keane a bottle & watching the Sprout channel (we use TV to keep Keane's attention while eating so he doesn't get bored & stop). The second one is them looking at me.
Like I said, I don't know why but I love it!

To Write or Not to Write?....that is the question

Me, a blogger? Not really. But everyone is doing it...so why not? But what will I 'talk' about? Will anyone read it? Do I want anyone to read it?  (That was my thought process not too long ago, trying to figure out if this is a right fit or if I will forget about this whole thing in about a month..or two)

In some ways I feel like, "Do I really have anything to say that people want to hear?" I mean, let's face it, there really is nothing new under the sun. This is the problem with me. I list pros and cons...pros and cons....and then some more pros and cons of things and then do nothing, because I've 'listed' my way into indecision or convinced myself that it is hopeless since I see the other side.

But not today.....today I decided to start this new endeavor to see where it leads. Will you come follow?