Guilty Mom Lesson #1

Matt deemed this photo, "Breakfast in Bed"

   It's breastfeeding. There can be a huge conflict between breastfeeding mom and ones who use formula. There are many studies to show how breastfeeding makes your kid healthier, smarter and is a perfectly balanced nutrition tailored specifically for your baby. (Did you know that one study shows that even if a baby get sick from daycare and the parent never stepped foot in the daycare, meaning someone else dropped the baby off and picked them up, that the mother still makes antibodies for that baby's illness even though the mother is not sick at all...just amazingly crazy! Got to love God's design!)
   So I read everything and wanted to exclusively breastfeed until Keane was weaned. But i'm a full time working mom and nursing while nursing (can you follow that?) is very hard to do. Not to mention, I definitely made some 'pumping' mistakes that probably decreased my milk supply quicker.  Plus, working 12 hours days I wasn't always around when he hit growth spurts so my body never kept up with how much he needed.
    Nonetheless, my milk supply started dwindling around 5 1/2 months, that I couldn't even nurse Keane anymore and ended up just pumping and feeding him a bottle. (talk about double duty, but I was determined to keep up my milk supply because it was best for him.) Plus I was drinking tea to increase your milk supply, attempting to not throw up a Guiness and add brewers yeast to food and smoothies, but nothing seemed to be working.
  Around 6 1/2 months I realized we would have to start supplementing with formula. The tears rolled down as I started the conversation with Matt that I think we need to mix half/half or alternate feedings with one bottle formula and one breastmilk. All the while, Keane didn't seem to mind formula vs breastmilk.
    So now that Keane is 8 1/2 months my supply (meaning myself and the freezer) have dwindled to almost nothing, so I have cut back to pumping only once a day and supplementing the rest. Yes, some days I feel like I have failed, since I could be trying different ways to increase my milk supply. But I am tired. I never seem to get a break. On my days home I'd be nursing Keane or feeding him a bottle and then pumping while he sleeps. (Which means by the time I eat, pump and clean up, he's awake again) I am tired of working 12+ hours and having to run off to pump, when time allows, only to rush back to take care of my patients and still be behind.
  Maybe i'm just not strong enough, but you know, that's ok. I know my limits and they have been reached. Or so I feel today.
  Today is one of those days where I realize that I did provide a good start. (Plus I will implement some new tactics next time around if I am still working, to keep up my supply.) I also have realized that this won't 'hurt' him in any way. For some reason, I kept thinking that I was almost 'injuring' him by giving him formula. (don't ask where i got that idea?) I also think some of the 'guilt' came because I felt like I couldn't 'provide' for my little baby, who needed me. I have come to realize that I am just providing in other ways than I had anticipated but I am not letting him down or being negligent.
   Though many guilty tears have been shed, I will happily let go of breastfeeding this time around. And I know this is just the beginning of one of the many 'guilty' mom lessons I will learn, where my 'ideals' might not match up with my actions.

He doesn't seem to mind!