9 months and lovin' it!

  Today I am enjoying being a mother of a 9 month old. Not just any 9 month old, but a 27 inch, 16lb 9oz walking machine.. I LOVE that he is mobile. I know A LOT of mothers who have said, "Yea you get excited when they start walking but then you can't stop them. Plus they get into everything." So I might regret that he is walking so early but at this point I am SOO excited!  The main reason for this excitement is because HE is loving it as well.
    Let me explain. Ever since he was born, ok maybe about 2-3 months old, he has been frustrated with not being able to do what he wants. I mean he was really frustrated with not being able to move (well roll over), then crawl and then get where he wanted. I feel like most kids get frustrated when they are so close to a new stage but he was annoyed before he got close. He always seem like he wanted to be able to do what he wanted. Hence why, at around 3 months, he could roll over from front to back. Then a few weeks later he mastered the back to front flip. At 4-1/2 months he started lurching forward by sticking his butt up in the air and pushing himself.
   All of this was exciting for him, but still never fully satisfied. Thus commenced the 'walking' around holding on to our hands at about 5 months. *He knew he couldn't do it himself, so he was resourceful and got us help.* Until this past week, when he decided to try it out for himself. He didn't waste any time, in less than 4 full days, he is walking up to 10-15 feet unassisted.

Running at me today.

   I have thoroughly enjoyed him being able to sit up to play by himself and crawl around, but it was all a whirlwind and now he's walking. The best part is that I've never seen him so smiley and happy. He's so proud of himself. Why shouldn't he be? 9 months ago he couldn't even hold up his head and his eyes rolled up in his head. Crazy how fast it all happens.
    So as I am thinking through all of this I just wanted to recap with a couple of pictures from Keane's first week and today. I love my little boy. Still can't believe I was even pregnant. Time just flew by!

1st week!

9 months and 2 weeks!

 

Transition

Birth. Careers. Relocating. Death. Those are some of life's biggest changes. With all change comes very mixed emotions and stress.
  They are many seasons of change in ones life that it is sometimes impossible to predict them all and how you will feel or react. Some are chosen changes though. That is what I am about to embark on. A new journey of saying goodbye to fellow co-workers (and comfort) and heading off to meet new faces (and enter an area of unease).
   While I am very excited to start in Abington's ER where anything can (and probably will) happen, I am sad to leave the med/surg specialty that I have worked for more than 6 years. I am very comfortable with caring for the same patients for 12 hours a day, not the fast paced "Hi" and "Bye" in 90 minutes. I am used to say, "Sorry that bed isn't ready." How do you say that to an ambulance? (you don't)
   Although I'm interested to see the other side of the coin, meaning that with working on a floor for 6 years you don't always understand what is going on in the ER, I'm scared that it may be overwhelming. At least the people during my interview told me what to expect when they said, "It's ok if you feel overwhelmed and cry or feel like you can't do this. We worry about those who don't do that." (reassuring, right?)
    Anyway I'm not sure how all will go. I'm scared, sad, excited, apprehensive and wondering if i made a mistake. We'll see when November 14 rolls around and I start orientation. As a friend likes to say, "It's either going to be a good time or a good story." Let's hope it's both!

I enjoyed the show, so why not? How different can it really be? Haha.

French Toast Bagels

  As a last minute activity while being home alone with Keane, I decided to try to make french toast bagels from scratch, well using my bread machine.
   First off, it's very hard to find a recipe for french toast bagels from scratch. (Or else I just don't know how to search well.) I had saved a search for bread machine bagels awhile ago on my allrecipes.com iPhone app, so I just decided to improvise with some ingredients to make it french toast style. (This should have been my first indicator to rethink this activity, but I surged ahead)
  While the bean was napping, I hurriedly got out my bread machine and started throwing ingredients into it. Water, vanilla, sugar, salt, nutmeg, cinnamon, flour.....where's the flour? To my shock and dismay I quickly discovered that I have no flour.  (well not enough for 3 cups)
 "WHAT? I ALWAYS have flour..."
   In fact, one time, in the not too distant past, I was making bread and thought I didn't have any flour so I bought some, only to find that I have a extra bag hiding in my cabinet. Since then, I guess I haven't been keeping tabs on my flour usage since I knew thought I had so much.
   In my frantic search, I found whole wheat flour, so I thought, "hey, that's healthier anyway.." So I continued on my endeavor of this french toast bagel making. (Once again I could have counted my losses at this point but no.."i'm going to do this" I thought. Or really I could have waited until Keane woke up again to run to the store, but of course, I wanted to do it NOW!)
    Finally, I add all the ingredients I think will be right, program the machine to the 'dough' setting and start watching it work it's magic. I realize that I may need to add a little more water since I used different flour, so I keep adding until I think it looks right.
At this point I'm feeling excited that I'm finally doing this but still apprehensive of the outcome.
An hour and a half later the dough is done (and Keane is awake). I feed him and try to content him with some nearby toys, so I can go finish this bagel making adventure.  I take out the dough only to notice that my bread machine has an actual 'bagel dough' setting! (This had to be strike 3 or 4) I silently grumbled in my head and continue on kneading the dough a little, split it up into 6 pieces and attempt to make them look like normal bagels.
**Mind you that I am trying to make these specific bagels, because Matthew LOVES the ones from Panera, but he is also the one who as a little boy wouldn't eat a broken cookie, just because it was broken.** So they have to be perfect. (But like i have said before this is already a HUGE mistake because i am guessing at everything by now, but I'm determined) 
Anyway, I think I added too much water (or used the wrong setting) because the bagels weren't keeping their form well. I threw them in the sugary boiling water as I was instructed and fished them out with a holey spatula. Placed them on the baking sheet, which was covered with cinnamon sugar, brushed them with eggs, added more cinnamon sugar on top and popped them in the oven. Waited 20 minutes and this is what I got.

All I can say is that they are NOT perfect, but lets hope they taste good with some butter or cream cheese. I did sample the one in the top right corner (if you're wondering why there is only half there) but the verdict is still out. (i'm not holding my breath) I will keep you posted as to how the actually taste when I try them in the morning, but I'm already figuring most will be thrown out. We'll see if The Love is bold enough to try one before they get tossed. Better luck (and planning) next time.

Simple things that make me smile and feel content

*In no particular order*

Clean dishes (aka an empty sink)

Smell of hay, freshly cut grass, fir trees, lilacs and hyacinths

Orange sky in the evening after snow or while it’s still snowing

A good run

Seeing my little boy talk and grin (actually watching him do anything)

Clean sheets

My husband coming home

A warm fire

Music

Fresh, ripe fruit

Hearing little giggles from another room

Crawling into bed when I’m really tired

The freshness your feet feel after washing them before bed on a summer night (and how the feel under the sheets)

The freshness of clothes dried outside

A late night with good friends

Watching my husband laugh without restraint

Crisp fall mornings

Sunrises and Sunsets (especially in the winter)

Waking up to Keane ‘talking’ in his room

Sleeping next to my love

Cleaning the modern day icebox

  Last night I ventured to do something that I dread. Cleaning the refrigerator!!! I think that is one thing I would actually PAY$$ someone to do. Which is silly, I know. I don't mind dusting, dishes, laundry (though sometimes I wish laundry would put itself away) or scrubbing any part of the bathroom, but I despise the fridge. Not sure why. Although somewhat trivial, my reasons for such disdain are that I don't like being in the cold, everything is always gooey, there are too many awkward spots to scrub, and not to mention unloading all your groceries and then reorganizing them again. Plus I have the type with the 'distressed' design, if you know what I mean. With all those decorative cracks that everything gets stuck in. So who decided on this ingenious design? .."Let's make something white with lots of little cracks so things can get stuck in it..." I know it's just the outside and those little drawer handles, but it still annoys me.
  Additionally, I think that I never really feel like it's organized well enough. It just doesn't look pretty aesthetically pleasing to me when it's all done. It still looks like things were strewn about but just in a nicer manner than before.
  I think the only thing I dread more, is the freezer. Where your hot soapy water's power is instantly quenched by it's icy opponent. In fact my only motivations for cleaning either is usually either shear embarrassment that others will see it or pure disgust. (That excludes moving, when you are forced to clean it)
   As an example, there has been some little area of something that spilled at least 1-2 months ago, that I finally had enough of to motivate me today. Granted I usually clean up any spill right away, so I'm not sure where this one originated, but alas that spot had stared me down long enough. So, when I came home with some groceries I ripped apart everything. (Ok, so it's not like I'm living in filth, I do clean out those lovely storage containers on a weekly basis, but the top to bottom scrub is a despised rarity. Still after my semi-annual scrubbing last night, I feel like I should get some time of prize. Like I just conquered Mt Everest.)
    Actually this cleaning was a combo of my above mentioned reasons, since I know we are having dinner guests tonight. Nonetheless, it is done. Until next time, dear fridge...

*Now if only I could organize the rest of my house with this 'cleaning-surge' energy.*

Veggies are always casualties of my fridge sweeps. I always find some type of surprise in those drawers.

Guilty Mom Lesson #1

Matt deemed this photo, "Breakfast in Bed"

   It's breastfeeding. There can be a huge conflict between breastfeeding mom and ones who use formula. There are many studies to show how breastfeeding makes your kid healthier, smarter and is a perfectly balanced nutrition tailored specifically for your baby. (Did you know that one study shows that even if a baby get sick from daycare and the parent never stepped foot in the daycare, meaning someone else dropped the baby off and picked them up, that the mother still makes antibodies for that baby's illness even though the mother is not sick at all...just amazingly crazy! Got to love God's design!)
   So I read everything and wanted to exclusively breastfeed until Keane was weaned. But i'm a full time working mom and nursing while nursing (can you follow that?) is very hard to do. Not to mention, I definitely made some 'pumping' mistakes that probably decreased my milk supply quicker.  Plus, working 12 hours days I wasn't always around when he hit growth spurts so my body never kept up with how much he needed.
    Nonetheless, my milk supply started dwindling around 5 1/2 months, that I couldn't even nurse Keane anymore and ended up just pumping and feeding him a bottle. (talk about double duty, but I was determined to keep up my milk supply because it was best for him.) Plus I was drinking tea to increase your milk supply, attempting to not throw up a Guiness and add brewers yeast to food and smoothies, but nothing seemed to be working.
  Around 6 1/2 months I realized we would have to start supplementing with formula. The tears rolled down as I started the conversation with Matt that I think we need to mix half/half or alternate feedings with one bottle formula and one breastmilk. All the while, Keane didn't seem to mind formula vs breastmilk.
    So now that Keane is 8 1/2 months my supply (meaning myself and the freezer) have dwindled to almost nothing, so I have cut back to pumping only once a day and supplementing the rest. Yes, some days I feel like I have failed, since I could be trying different ways to increase my milk supply. But I am tired. I never seem to get a break. On my days home I'd be nursing Keane or feeding him a bottle and then pumping while he sleeps. (Which means by the time I eat, pump and clean up, he's awake again) I am tired of working 12+ hours and having to run off to pump, when time allows, only to rush back to take care of my patients and still be behind.
  Maybe i'm just not strong enough, but you know, that's ok. I know my limits and they have been reached. Or so I feel today.
  Today is one of those days where I realize that I did provide a good start. (Plus I will implement some new tactics next time around if I am still working, to keep up my supply.) I also have realized that this won't 'hurt' him in any way. For some reason, I kept thinking that I was almost 'injuring' him by giving him formula. (don't ask where i got that idea?) I also think some of the 'guilt' came because I felt like I couldn't 'provide' for my little baby, who needed me. I have come to realize that I am just providing in other ways than I had anticipated but I am not letting him down or being negligent.
   Though many guilty tears have been shed, I will happily let go of breastfeeding this time around. And I know this is just the beginning of one of the many 'guilty' mom lessons I will learn, where my 'ideals' might not match up with my actions.

He doesn't seem to mind!