A Baby No More..

    So I decided to blog about a seemingly hush-hush event. A miscarriage. 

    Why is it not talked about, I thought? My gut reaction is that somehow it's almost embarassing or shameful. Like how women in the Bible (and current day) struggle with barrenness and feel inferior.
  Or maybe the fear that I did something to hurt my baby?
  Or even still, how some circles don't like to discuss sex until they are married, in fear that it will promote promiscuity, so the thinking is, if a miscarriage is talked about, it may happen.
   Lastly, it may just be that it's not a up-lifting dinner party conversation or something to discuss in small talk with a passing stranger or newly formed acquaintance. Or like I am now thinking when people offer to 'talk', "what do I talk about?" I just keep playing the scenario over and over in my head, wondering if all of that just happened. Pondering questions that I know may never find an answer.

(**I am not doing this for sympathy or pity, but simply to get the 'word' out there, that is it a surprisingly common event. This is not meant to offend or stir up harsh emotions in some who have also experienced a loss. I'm just living my life openly, in hopes that others may not be caged by fear or loss. Writing also helps me sift through thoughts. Plus, as my husband says, I tend to share more personal details than most**)

   Of course I am still in the throws of the emotions, and what I call the 'obsession' stage of grief, where it's all you think about. The world keeps right on spinning, going ahead full speed, and you feel as if it should stop because what you have just experienced. So this is just my raw, initial thoughts.
   So let's quickly recap, on Feb 6, I had a positive pregnancy test, to our surprise. We had just talked about possibly trying to have another baby, even though we knew Keane had just turned 1. We were shocked and nervous, but had growing excitement daily.
    Then I had my 8 week appt on Feb 21st. Everything 'looked fine' although my OB doesn't do ultrasounds until later, but my internal exam looked good and I was sent for blood work. Two days later, I started to bleed.
    I feel bad for anyone that bleeds during pregnancy, though statistically about 50% of women experience bleeding and of that 50% about half go on to have normal healthy pregnancies. But this can drive anyone CRAZY!! A pregnant woman already has enough hormonal 'imbalances' to be worried and anxious, let alone if bleeding occurs and the fear grows about losing the baby. This is now something I understand a tad clearer.
    Sorry about my rant, back to the stats, so if you think about it, that means almost 25% of pregnancies may end in a miscarriage. (Sorry this is not meant to scare anyone, since I have A LOT of friends and family that are currently pregnant, but i do know a bunch of people who have lost some too.) I just wanted to bring awareness to that fact, because that means that 1 in 4 women may experience a miscarriage. Which seems very high, since I think it's not something that is talked about much. (Of course, who would want to talk about something that may be so upsetting and life changing for some people, but still I fear that some people aren't able to talk about something that they may need to talk about)
    Being only about 8-9 weeks pregnant, brings a very different perspective than someone who is further on. So I'm not attempting to presume I know how other people feel or have felt during this process. I am only going to share the strange mixture of emotions that I felt.
    Sunday night (the 26th) I was viewing things through my 'nurse' brain and Monday my 'wife/mother' brain took over. What I mean by that is the last few days, I was telling myself that I was probably losing the baby and that usually means that there is some type of abnormality with the baby, so it's better this way. I was logically thinking through all the steps of what would happen, since I see patients with vaginal bleeding in the ER almost daily. That is why I call it my 'nurse' brain, it's a part where I can slightly shut off my emotions, so I won't 'get hurt' and so others wouldn't see me cry. It helps me to be able to empathize well with patients without getting too drawn in to their story that I am unable to help them, but it hinders me from experiencing my own emotions when going through this journey called life.
   The emotions in this situation, to me, are strange compared to other experiecnes, because I was just adjusting to the thought about having another baby. So my mind furiously started planning the next 7-8 months. Then, out of nowhere, that is all changed.
   Sunday night, when I found out, I kept talking about how confusing it felt to have that all change and to not really have a 'bond' with the baby yet. Feeling like I should be sad about the loss but almost more relieved to at least know, since I had been wondering what was happening for the last few days.
   Then I woke up Monday morning with that aching void. (You know the kind you experience when you lose a loved one, pet, had a bad 'fight' or broke up with your girl/boyfriend.) That pain reminded me that something was different this morning. Something I couldn't ignore. Something I couldn't control.
   I hate that aching feeling. It creeps up into whatever the days activities are.

(for example, I want to cry tears of joy and sadness every time I see little Keane's face. *So thankful for a happy, healthy little boy.* I almost teared up while scrambling eggs. *i mean, seriously...they aren't my eggs.* I have to half-laugh when Keane's kids music makes me teary-eyed, but with songs like "God Made You Special" and "God Makes Messy Things Beautiful", who wouldn't??.. Not to mention I'm still physically drained from those HCG levels that are slowly dropping, so we'll blame it on the hormones.)

  And that void can't be shaken. I try to just push past it, but it holds me back. I have to deal with it. I have to think about it and let those tears surface. I have to allow myself to be humbled by the One who formed me inside my own mothers womb and remind me that I am not in control. I have to just sit in His lap and allow myself to comforted. Only when I acknowledge these wounds,  can the Great Physician heal them. It's not the place that I want to be, but it's the place that I need to be.


I'm not one for 'canned' prayers but here's one my grandmother sent me this morning, which I enjoyed,

"Good Morning, God. 

You are ushering in a brand new day, untouched and freshly new. 

So here I come to ask you God if you'll renew me too. 

But Father, I am well aware I can't make it on my own, 

so take my hand and hold it tight for I cannot walk alone."

Also reminds me of one of my beloved passage of scripture, from Psalm 73,

"When my heart was grieved

   and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
   I was a brute beast before you.

 ²³ Yet I am always with you;
   you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
   and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever."

Slightly different context in scripture, but the truth still remains.

*Thanks to all the people who have lived through this with us and have sent encouraging emails, texts and even flowers! We've appreciated it all. Sorry for telling some of you in such an impersonal way. Like I've said above, I'm not good at outwardly expressing my emotions in the moment. I believe I'm slowly being changed, but it is a hard learning curve.*

Please don't ever send this to anyone. I don't know who would ever appreciate that?! I guess I figured out why no one talks about this, because it's the same as any loss, there are no words to deaden the pain.

PS.. I just decided to add that I'm not saying anyone who has experienced something like this HAS to talk about it, especially in this type of format or on Facebook or any other public forum. Everyone is impacted differently and deals with things in very different ways. I don't want this to sound like people have to announce their loss or else they are not 'talking' about it. Just an afterthought/disclaimer I guess.